shadow work

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Medicine is a jealous lover... Letter to a Young Doctor Series

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Medicine is a jealous lover... Letter to a Young Doctor Series

‘Is there some secret you have learned that you wish you knew earlier?’

‘Medicine is a jealous lover…’

Hello,

Working hard is a tradition in medicine.  The braggadocio around hours of call without sleep, number of patients seen in the ER shift, numbers on the hospital service all speak volumes to the cult of work that is medicine.  By the time you enter medical school, you are already indoctrinated into the cult.  You worked hard in high school to get the right university.  Worked hard in university to get into the right medical school.  Worked hard in medical school to get the right residency. Worked hard in residency to land the perfect job.  There is a theme…. Work.


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Compassion returns

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Compassion returns

There she was, it had been so long since I had caught sight of her, I wasn’t sure at first if I recognized her, she had changed so much over the years, or had I? She was peeking around the corner checking in to see how I was doing. I am surprised she still visits me, after the way I treated her all those years ago.  If I let myself, I can easily remember those days. Those had been rough days, when it wasn’t safe to have her around anymore. 

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Anger and shame

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Anger and shame

What would they do if I told them the truth?  How would they see me? How would they think of me? Would I be disgusting to them?  These thoughts swam through my head as I sat in front of Melissa, our trainer,  for a demonstration.  It was the start of our weekend Hakomi training and my mind was seething with all the possibilities of what might happen.  Behind my eyes there was a push to simply tell it all, leave no secret unsaid, and let the chips fall where they might. Then there was the catch in my chest, the fear of what would happen if I just did this, if I just disclosed all my shame.  In the end, I censored what was presented during the demonstration, but in her eyes, I could tell that Melissa had seem so much more than I had said, her tears reflected what was in my heart, unspoken in that moment.

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My 'Why'.....

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My 'Why'.....

Why?  I am sure if you were to ask my parents, they would tell you that this is the first word that I ever said.  It is certainly the most common word that comes to mind, and out of my mouth on any given day.  It has been this way for as long as I can remember and it continues to fuel my searching to understand the world in which I live.  Simon Sinek has become famous for looking at this, and lately I have found myself delving ever deeper into this fundamental question of ‘Why?’

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Are you listening...

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Are you listening...

There is was again, the anger, arising from seemingly nowhere, red hot and ready for battle.  Why is it here again, and what can I do to help keep it at bay?  It would come up suddenly, and in that moment of recognition I would stop and look to see where this anger came from, why it arose once again.  What a frustrating process this was, each time I would look it seemed that I saw only blank walls with no path forward.  Again and again I would return to this quandary, looking for the way in, the path to understanding, knowing where this anger came from and why.....

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Forgiveness....

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Forgiveness....

t is interesting how life can take you by surprise.  Just when you feel like you have things figured out, and that you are finally moving forward and understanding yourself, life comes along and drops some stuff in your lap to review.  

Bang!

Wow, I thought I had worked through that stuff…..maybe not…..the fact that it is here means it is important to work on…..what is it asking me to do?!?