Shadow work

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Medicine is a jealous lover... Letter to a Young Doctor Series

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Medicine is a jealous lover... Letter to a Young Doctor Series

‘Is there some secret you have learned that you wish you knew earlier?’

‘Medicine is a jealous lover…’

Hello,

Working hard is a tradition in medicine.  The braggadocio around hours of call without sleep, number of patients seen in the ER shift, numbers on the hospital service all speak volumes to the cult of work that is medicine.  By the time you enter medical school, you are already indoctrinated into the cult.  You worked hard in high school to get the right university.  Worked hard in university to get into the right medical school.  Worked hard in medical school to get the right residency. Worked hard in residency to land the perfect job.  There is a theme…. Work.


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Man enough?

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Man enough?

My father cannot tell me how he feels.  It is something that does not appear to be part of his make-up.  This is not unusual, it is part and parcel of masculinity.  I hear it in the office every day, spoken and unspoken.  Men who struggle to express their feelings, struggle to even acknowledge they have feelings, feelings long suppressed that are killing them.  I see it in unmanageable blood pressure, in stomach problems that defy solutions, lousy sleep, boundaries that are never set, unrealistic expectations, deep profound depression that seems to lurk just at the edges of their lives.  These men hold one thing in common, though they do not know it, they cannot speak of their feelings… ever... to anyone.

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Where the fear comes from...

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Where the fear comes from...

What is it that hold me back?  What keeps me from being all that is within me?  It is a funny question for me to ask, given the work I am doing to help others finds their way through this briar patch.  I know, deep inside, that this answer is within, but as I sit here with this question, my mind provides me all sorts of reasons why I cannot step into that place, and as I look at these reasons, they all circle around fear, the fear of rejection.

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Compassion returns

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Compassion returns

There she was, it had been so long since I had caught sight of her, I wasn’t sure at first if I recognized her, she had changed so much over the years, or had I? She was peeking around the corner checking in to see how I was doing. I am surprised she still visits me, after the way I treated her all those years ago.  If I let myself, I can easily remember those days. Those had been rough days, when it wasn’t safe to have her around anymore. 

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Anger and shame

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Anger and shame

What would they do if I told them the truth?  How would they see me? How would they think of me? Would I be disgusting to them?  These thoughts swam through my head as I sat in front of Melissa, our trainer,  for a demonstration.  It was the start of our weekend Hakomi training and my mind was seething with all the possibilities of what might happen.  Behind my eyes there was a push to simply tell it all, leave no secret unsaid, and let the chips fall where they might. Then there was the catch in my chest, the fear of what would happen if I just did this, if I just disclosed all my shame.  In the end, I censored what was presented during the demonstration, but in her eyes, I could tell that Melissa had seem so much more than I had said, her tears reflected what was in my heart, unspoken in that moment.

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My 'Why'.....

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My 'Why'.....

Why?  I am sure if you were to ask my parents, they would tell you that this is the first word that I ever said.  It is certainly the most common word that comes to mind, and out of my mouth on any given day.  It has been this way for as long as I can remember and it continues to fuel my searching to understand the world in which I live.  Simon Sinek has become famous for looking at this, and lately I have found myself delving ever deeper into this fundamental question of ‘Why?’

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Are you listening...

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Are you listening...

There is was again, the anger, arising from seemingly nowhere, red hot and ready for battle.  Why is it here again, and what can I do to help keep it at bay?  It would come up suddenly, and in that moment of recognition I would stop and look to see where this anger came from, why it arose once again.  What a frustrating process this was, each time I would look it seemed that I saw only blank walls with no path forward.  Again and again I would return to this quandary, looking for the way in, the path to understanding, knowing where this anger came from and why.....

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Changing your world...

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Changing your world...

A phrase to change the world...

The most liberating thing I have learned in my life to date is the following phrase…..

Everyone is doing the best they can…if they could do better they would.

-       Matt Kahn

Thinking lightly about that phrase we often find ourselves viewing it with a degree of judgement, ‘I know Bob, and I have seen him do a lot better than he is giving me right now!’ or my personal favorite, the self-deprecating ‘Jeez you would think after so many years I would do that better than I did’.  However, both of these miss the mark of what is being said in that small phrase., so let me repeat it to make it fresh for us all…

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Forgiveness....

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Forgiveness....

t is interesting how life can take you by surprise.  Just when you feel like you have things figured out, and that you are finally moving forward and understanding yourself, life comes along and drops some stuff in your lap to review.  

Bang!

Wow, I thought I had worked through that stuff…..maybe not…..the fact that it is here means it is important to work on…..what is it asking me to do?!?